Let's face it. No one likes to talk about being broken. And especially not when it comes to our heart, mind, will, etc. BUT so often, that is the exact place God is calling us.
Two Tuesdays ago (let's see, February 5, 2013), God broke me. Now, I assure you...He is a gentleman. He will not take what we do not give Him. However, a young woman who helped lead the youth in a small-town church in Missouri taught me the very basic notion of brokenness. She constantly was asking the Lord to break her and mold her. I asked her about it several times and I got a variety of answers from John 3:30 which essentially says, "More of Him, less of me," and when I'm broken, I'm drawn close to Him. I've never seen so much reverence in my life except for what she exhibited to me at a young age. But, I was told that we must ask for it. It sounds silly to be asking God to break you, but it does more than just draw you close. It defeats pride, something I think everyone struggles with from time to time. It causes you to recognize who is God and that you are not God. It causes dependence on God. It instills "fear" of God. (I'll talk about that later...but think more of reverence instead of judgmental fear.) It shows you what you're not, aka where you're lacking. It tests and tries your faith. And most of all...it allows you to be molded into what GOD desires you to be for Him. A vessel filled with living water!
So, back to my breaking experience...As I went into prayer meeting, I was sure that it was going to be a night to remember. This was the first night we were starting our intercessory prayer ministry and the team was meeting to pray for salvation and healing to come for specific persons and for the church and its move and even global movement of Christ's kingdom. As soon as God's presence began to infiltrate the church, I had to leave. It was an awful thing really since I love Jesus and His presence. But I had come to the point where I had acknowledged sin in my life and I really didn't want to deal with it. The truth of the Scriptures were coming to light and me, with my sin, could not stand in the presence of God. (See Ps 101:7) So, I went out to the atrium area. About a week earlier, I prayed for God to break me. I was at a point where I wanted to move closer to God but I didn't know how, so I asked Him to show me and break me. Be careful what you pray for, because you may actually get it!
Anyway, in the atrium, I sat on the floor. I wept. I was so distressed that I could not be in the sanctuary. Growing up in church, I was there constantly...So, to be sitting outside while a powerful prayer meeting was going on was not only new but heart-breaking that my sin was so great that I couldn't be in the Presence of God. As I prayed, I began to repent and to confess my wrongdoing. I began to confess not only to God but also to myself the severity of my sin and that I was nothing in comparison to my God! At one point in time, I remember saying over and over "I am nothing" through the tears. This was not an easy operation ladies and gents. The stronger the nut, the more pressure it takes to break it. I was strong-willed and stubborn. And it took a great deal of pressure to break me. My heart felt like it weighed 100lbs! Once it came to climax, I felt the Lord telling me to crawl into His presence. I wept even more at that point in time! There's that breaking of pride. What Lord, I can't walk to the altar?! But, I began. He said He would meet me when I was broken. I didn't get very far. It was like one heavy crawl after another heavy crawl. One of our elders came back with a Word for me. God spoke through her saying, "It doesn't feel like it right now, but I'm giving you the answer you've been praying for. I'm tearing you down so I can build." Ever so vividly, I saw a withered tree being uprooted completely. The soil was tilled and made healthy and a seed was planted. Once that seed was planted, the heaviness left and it was replaced with peace. I've never felt so light in my life. I did make it to the altar after God met me. But all I could do was praise Him. Praise Him. Praise Him.
I'm not saying these last two weeks have been easy. I'm saying I'm in a better place with God because of repentance and brokenness. I can go deeper with Him because of overcoming a prevalent sin in my life. I can go deeper with Him because I know He is God in such a real way. I have a sense of what He sees because I don't have the sin blocking the eyes of my heart.
Brokenness isn't something we like to talk about. It's almost as bad as talking about death. Yet, Jesus calls us to die daily.
Got a problem? Repent...Confess it to an all-loving God! Because God can't come near to us when we're in sin. And when you turn from your way, God will draw near...
God doesn't seem near? Examine your life to see if there be some way in you that doesn't line up with God's Word.
Want to go all out? Die to yourself. Ask for brokenness to come. And relish in the Presence of God.
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